Goodbye 👋🏼 2020
I’m just going to say it. . . 2020 has been ROUGH.
I haven’t been able to see my friends and family as much as I’d like; and when I do get to see them, there is no hugging, or standing close, or even really seeing their faces for that matter. I am very much a social being and being isolated and unable to just go sit at a coffee shop and catch up with a friend has been rather taxing. I do have some very great things that happened in 2020, but bare with me while I complain first. Here is what 2020 took away from me:
- Sense of Security and overall “chill”: I don’t feel safe going to the grocery store or letting people I don’t know come close to me. I don’t hang out with people in fear that they aren’t as responsible as me in avoiding contracting Covid. I get pissed when I see people at the grocery store with their noses blatantly hanging out of their masks. I fear that every sore throat or runny nose isn’t allergies anymore, but COVIDI’m obsessed with checking my temperature everyday (kind of when someone is obsessed with the numbers on a scale).
- Genuine sense of goodness in humanity: … the selfish anti-maskers, the tRump supporters, rebellion against the #blacklivesmatter movement. What happen to doing good for the greater good? Being kind? not supporting a racist, sexist president because he is/has destroyed the integrity of our country? The election this year gave me EXTREME anxiety. I was shocked that our president was elected once. . . maybe its was a fluke, or the American people just needed a change of pace from career politicians. I was willing to give him a chance, but how he’s handle himself and his whole presidency is just selfish. I had so much anxiety leading up to Nov. 4th.
- My job/career: In July, I was face with a tough decision to leave music and teaching. The pandemic killed the arts, and with all the safety protocol and constant switching of remote and in-person teaching, it destroyed whatever rewarding parts of teaching there were left. Also, not to mention my boss was unsupported, close-minded, and a nepotist. . . so there’s that. Music is all I’ve ever known. I grew up being heavily involved in all things music. I have so many memories linked to songs that it’s hard to find a memory that I don’t remember the tune playing in that very moment. It was a hard decision to leave music behind; not fully, but it will not be my main career focus anymore.
- My Bike: Dylan and I got our mountain bikes stolen from our garage in mid July. July was like a snowball of bad news: loss job, furlough notice, bikes stolen, etc. Dylan was heartbroken that something he’d worked so hard on and built from the ground up, was gone, and I felt violated that someone was on our property and taking the things I worked hard for.
- My health: (Don’t read this bullet point if you’re not comfortable with the female body and how it works!) I’ve been dealing with pelvic pain and painful periods for quite some time. Cysts came and went, but caused unbearable pain when present. Also, I turned 30 this year and so it was now routine to check for cervical cancer. Whomp Whomp. . . .they found highly progressive pre-cancer on my cervix. Long story short is I had to have a LEEP procedure to remove the pre-cancerous cells and spent 6 weeks in recovery. I swear my downstairs has spent more time with my OBGYN this year than anyone else.
Alright, Alright . . . enough negative Nancy!
I know I complained A LOT just now. I know everyone else on this planet is having a rough go right about now, too, and are more than anxious to say goodbye to 2020. To motivate myself to get through hard things is I find sayings or symbolic mementoes to make me strong. When things seemed really hard (especially in July), I bought a necklace with a single pearl. The pearl was meant to represent ‘grit’, and I’ve worn it everyday since, reminding myself that I’m resilient and strong. I read the meaning often to remind myself that I have strength and courage to make it through all this. And I’d like to share it with you in case it might give you any inspiration because it resonated with me strongly.
“She is unshakable not because she doesn’t know pain or failure, but because she always pushes through. Because she always shows up and never gives up. Because she believes anything is possible no matter the odds. And perhaps what makes her beautiful has less to do with what lies upon the surface and more to do with what lies within. She isn’t just beautiful because of her appearance. No, she is beautiful because of the way she chooses to live and love. In the way she embraces all of life’s experiences — good or bad. In her willingness to bend but never break, and in her courage to believe that the darkness can’t hold her as long as she continues to create her own light. She is just like a pearl — made from grit but full of grace. She is unstoppable — she shows it’s not what happens, but how she chooses to respond, with perseverance in her mind and passion in her heart.”
And with that grit, I took the following out of 2020:
- A chance to stop, and take some time for ME: This year I was able to start seeing a therapist. Not because I am a psycho and needed a shrink, but because people genuinely benefit from it no matter how deep or shallow the problems are. Therapy gave me a chance to focus on my negative cycles and how to better the relationships not only with others, but with myself. I was able to talk about some REALLY hard things, but I am coming out of 2020 much happier despite everything.
- A Better Marriage: As you may or may not know, my husband is a pilot. That means he is gone A LOT and that meant a great amount of loneliness and resentment from me. We were having a rough go at the beginning of the year, and even contemplated whether marriage was right for us. In combination of therapy and being together and home 24/7, I began to remember why I fell in love with my husband in the first place. We have been together for over 11 years, and I think I have spent more time with him in the past 9 months than I have our entire relationship. This pandemic has only solidified that he is the one that I want to spend the rest of my life with. We have found new love and appreciation for each other. I thought with him being home a lot, I would be totally annoyed and angry he was in my space all the time. However, I experienced the opposite. I love the company of my husband, and I love how much we have grown throughout this year. I am so blessed and thankful in this respect.
- A chance at a new career: Yes, I mentioned before that 2020 took my job and career away. However, I’ve taken this as an opportunity that has more light than darkness. I wasn’t extremely happy with my job and my career. I loved working with my students, but my salary was unlivable, my boss was, well, let’s say less than ideal, and I worked way too much and had way too much education for the amount they pay teachers. Basically, I wasn’t happy. 2020 has given me the chance to change into something that I had always been curious about, and I really had nothing to lose. I was unemployed without much chance of finding a teaching job (or wanting a teaching job) during the pandemic. In July, I sprinted towards my education in coding. Being self-motivated, and being a fairly good teacher, I took it upon myself to learn what had to be learned and achieve what needed to be achieved. In the past 6 months, I have earned 21 certificates in various courses, coding languages, and technologies. I don’t have a job yet, but I know the hard work I’ve been putting in, and the intense drive to make this career happen for me will give me that perfect first job in tech.
- Courage to stick up for myself: 2020 brought many situations where I wasn’t being treated fairly. I felt very oppressed this year as a female by old (and sometimes young) white men who tried to make me feel lesser than. I was being ‘reminded’ of professional dress as I wore work slacks, a modest blouse, and a cardigan while my male counter parts wore jeans and Hawaiian shirts. Many encounters tried to make me feel like even though with my education and experience, I was not good enough. Well, 2020 Heather (and along with a lot of help from my therapist to give myself a voice) did not take it this time. And with this, I feel very proud of myself. Too many times women are treated differently from their male counterparts in the workplace. I want to work in a place where my assertiveness and emotion come off as passion and confidence in knowing what I want instead of being told that I’m bossy and pms-ing. I want to be able to disagree with you and be able to have a conversion as adults instead of my opposite gender taking it as an attack on their manhood. I’m so excited for the Heather that is going to go for exactly what she wants, communicate it along the way, and grow in return.
- Time for outdoors: My husband (and some friends) spend many day exploring our country’s beautiful landscapes. Since we live near Millcreek Canyon, we set out to hike as many trails as we could! My childhood best friend even came and we climbed Grandeur Peak in September! My husband and I took road trips to Couer D’Alene to visit our nephew, my brother and sister-in-law. In addition to many hiking adventures, we eventually got new mountain bikes (thank goodness we have AWESOME insurance!) and hit the trails together.
- Family Planning: All the trouble with my reproductive organs really through a wrench in my plans. I wanted to wait as long as possible, so I could fully enjoy all life had to offer before kids. But nothing like a cancer scare to plunge you into something you thought you weren’t ready for! No, we aren’t pregnant yet, but we are sure excited to try once my doctor gives me the thumbs up! You bet my mother sure is excited about this news too!
- Perspective: 2020 has given me the perspective and proof that life continues even through hard or easy times. You can get through it, and you will be okay.
Did you make it to the end? What I’d like to summarize about what you just read is that life can be hard, and will be hard. However, hard things are always worth fighting for. It would have been easy to just stop my rant after all the negative that 2020 brought, but then I wouldn’t have seen the light in all the positive it brought as well. Yes, pandemics suck. Yes, I miss my friends and family. Yes, I miss just going out to get sushi and drinks with my husband on date night. Normalcy will return eventually, but right now, I am going to make lemonade (maybe even a whiskey sour!) with the lemons thrown our way. Stay positive, work hard and fight for the things you care about (#RIP RBG), and never take anything for granted. Life is beautiful and everything needs balance. Light needs dark. Happy needs sad. Gain needs loss. Hello needs goodbye. And with that. . .